What's that? You met a cool girl? Awesome. Can I see a picture of her? Hey she's cute and I li- ...oh. Oh no. You've got to get out man. Trust me on this one. She's got "The Crazy Eyes."11th Commandment: A Bro shall rescue any other Bro when a girl appears to have "The Crazy Eyes."
FACT: 7 in every 8 girls that you think are normal, develop "The Crazy Eyes" over time.
Now my friends, what are these crazy eyes I speak of? They are exactly what they seem to be. A set of eyes that look freaking crazy...on a girl. I could go out right now and meet lots of girls and tell you which one of those girls is secretly crazy, despite how nice and normal she seems, by simply looking at her eyes. I'll get to pointers on how to spot The Crazy Eyes later. First, we must go through stereotypical Crazy Girl scenarios to show you it is not these girl's faults. They cannot help that they have a parasitic alien attached to their brain that falls in love too easily and holds a grudge like you wouldn't believe.
Hypothetical Scenarios:
Scenario 1: We go out for coffee once and then we go out for dinner a few weeks later. It's chill. No sparks are necessarily flying, but she's nice. You text sometimes and are nice, but she seems to be getting attached already and you know there's nothing there. So you pull the plug, but remain civil via text and Gchat. So, you decide to try and take someone else on a date. You invite Girl #2 to another safe first date place like a coffee/tea place and it goes great. The next day you begin to get awkward and uncomfortable texts from Girl #1. Later that day you go look at her Facebook to see if she's mad about something in particular and maybe posted about it. Yet, while there you see her profile picture. BOOM. She now has The Crazy Eyes and you did not see it before.
Scenario 2: We've been good friends for a while and only friends. One night, somehow, some sparks fly and we kiss. The next day we don't act awkward at all, we stay friends. Fine with me. We continue to just hang out as friends in our group, until one night she tries to kiss me again. I tell her I don't think it's a good idea, she says that's fine. That night she proceeds to tell all of our friends what a jerk I am for leading her on and lying to her and ignoring me in our gang. I turn to my Bros. They know what's happening. This girl has revealed that she has The Crazy Eyes.
Scenario 3: This girl seems cool. Boom. Random hook up. Then the girl gets clingy, talks to you like you are much more romantic and comfortable with each other than you really are, texts all the time, wants to hang out all the time, posts cute song lyrics on Facebook and Twitter after you hang out. She needs to step off. There is no question about it. She has The Crazy Eyes.
Now, understand that these are just 3 short scenarios regarding the realization that a girl has The Crazy Eyes. These scenarios are not to call anyone out. They, or something like them, may or may not have happened to me or friends in the past. Now, since I am an expert of the Eyes of the Crazy, I will answer some FAQs that people have regarding these Eyes.
Definition:1) A man with strange eyes. In most scenarios they are homeless or from West Virginia. Sometimes both.
2) A female who, when you look at her eyes, you can tell that girl is as freaking crazy as they come.
Obviously, this article will exclude definition #1 from its analysis and research.
Origins:1) Girls are born with The Crazy Eyes
2) Girls develop The Crazy Eyes when they get too attached to something or someone.
A puppy or a guy, for instance, can be the reason for The Crazy Eyes. Yet, 99% of the time the Eyes will be because of a love interest.
Lesbians are not exempt from The Crazy Eyes, but because I lack expertise in that department, all I will say is this: Lesbians are 10x more likely to contract The Crazy Eyes but because this means both women could easily have the Eyes...it works out happily and lovingly, despite the occasional giant fight that ends with fire or broken kitchenware.
Detection: 1) Ask, "Hi. Are you Bat Sh*t crazy?"
2) Look at her eyes and see if she looks like Kaa the snake from Disney's
The Jungle Book when she's around the person she is infatuated with.
If either of these methods returns results which appear to be True...it's time to run my friend.
Types of Crazy Eyes:1) Random hook-up, now overly infatuated and thinks you're dating Eyes.
2) Crazy former best friend Eyes.
3) Crazy former acquaintance Eyes.
4) Bat Sh*t crazy relationship Eyes.
Because most cases occur with either Type #1 or Type #4, we shall try to stick to those (especially type #4) in regards to future FAQs.
Avoidance:1) Run.
2) Kill yourself.
3) Kill her.
While these methods of avoidance may seem extreme, they are truly the only sure means of avoiding a girl with The Crazy Eyes.
What do The Crazy Eyes mean?:1) I gave you 3 scenarios earlier. Refer to those to see how The Crazy Eyes begins to affect you.
2) The Eyes means you now have a crazed girl on the loose who will do whatever it takes to keep you around.
3) It means she will talk to you like you're dating, despite telling her otherwise. It means she will try to cuddle with you when you're just being nice and giving a hug. It means she will get offended if you do not hang out with her. It means she will try to break into your house and claw off your face when you finally get through to her with the 58th message of "I do not like you. We are not dating. Understand this!"
How The Crazy Eyes begins for you:1) You start dating a friend. She's been so cool for years and a great piece of your gang. Then she gets The Crazy Eyes.
2) You meet a random girl and begin dating. You hit it off and make it official. Then she starts to go a bit overboard and creep you out. She was either born with, or developed, The Crazy Eyes.
3) You have a minor friend and somehow begin dating. You find her attractive and try to start dating. It works. Then, she gets The Crazy Eyes.
4) You meet a girl and you both just want a random hookup. You do the deed. Then she gets attached and thinks things are now more attached than before. Then, she gets The Crazy Eyes.
Most males cannot see The Crazy Eyes when they are attracted to a girl. Most male outsiders are the ones who can sense them, and see them, better. So, always have a Bro check the girl out before meeting her.
What do The Crazy Eyes do for my committed relationship?1) You'll sense the Eyes and know you need out, thus promising the wraith of a Crazy Girl.
2) You too will develop the Male sort of The Crazy Eyes and you'll be a "happy couple" in your minds, but truly you are sickening, terrible, jealous, unhealthy, needy, and overprotective. In this scenario, the fights usually involve fire, feces, plates, bowls, kitchen utensils, your favorite things, pens, and gardening tools.
Timeline of The Crazy Eyes:The Crazy Eyes has a 1-2 month dormancy period. It is during this time that the parasite grows stronger and more emotionally attached to you, and thus grows more physically attached to the girl's brain. That period is also long enough that the Craziness can be sure that the girl has sucked you in by then and you are committed to the girl. After the dormancy state has ended, the beast awakens. One of two things will happen:
1) It will not be visible to you simply because it has done it's job properly, and sucked you in first. You will remain in the relationship for a while, not realizing it...then one day, it will hit you and you can never look at her the same again.
2) You notice it right away and know that you need to get the hell out of there.
How can I get out of this safely?Termination:1) Let her down easy by using excuses about your current life. School work, job, moving, etc.
2) Let her down hard by telling her the truth: "I can't stand you anymore because you've gone insane. But thanks for the fun times!"
Results of Termination:1) She will break into your place (using either the hidden spare key you showed her, or by using bare fists to break glass and spreading her blood everywhere inside, which she views as symbolic and romantic) and sh*t in your bed. Not just on top, sometimes under the covers too.
2) She will stab you.
There are
no other options. She WILL either poop in your bed or stab you. Option 1 & 2 are true and will happen 99.9% of the time to a male who tries to terminate a relationship with a girl with an inflamed case of The Crazy Eyes. For that 0.1% of the time that you are not stabbed, or there is no poop in your bed, either A) the case was not reported to the UCETF (United Crazy Eyes Task Force) or B) she was secretly a dude, thus making your story even worse.
Now remember, you can prevent a long period of turmoil and hell for you by simply doing 1 of 2 things: 1) get a Bro to look at the girl first or 2) just take a step back and look at her eyes. A girl with The Crazy Eyes cannot hide the eyes as well as she would like. Simply look at her, and you can tell, if you just take the time to practice safe relationships.
I hope that this research and advice has been helpful to you all. I hope that through better research and technology, that we can successfully end the plague of The Crazy Eyes upon our world by 2022. Thank you, and goodnight.
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