Cougars on a Plane

I wish Samuel L. had been on my planes last week. I needed some guidance.

As I flew from Pensacola, FL to Atlanta, GA I knew it was going to be a crazy day. We had 40 people joining our flight because their old flight was overweight. AKA we had 40 angry people on the flight. Then once we get on the plane I got to my window seat and just hoped I didn't have a weird person sitting next to me. Well I did. He was the worst. He sat down in his seat...and sort of in mine. This big guy's stomach roll covered up the armrest. Literally. Like it might have swallowed it, I'm not sure. Then I look over and notice that someone shook some Parmesan cheese on his shoulders. Oh wait that was dandruff. My bad...I'll stop rubbing my pizza on your shoulder now. Then I look at his head and see he's got some kind of crazy ear/head fungus that's making his head kind of red and raw looking. Needless to say I slowly started moving closer to the window.
After a short flight I saw something that warmed my heart: a small girl in the row in front of me with her face pressed against the window in awe of the tiny world down below. She then proceeded to ruin that feeling for me when she used her nose to close her window. Great. I've been avoiding the chubby fungus man by leaning against my window, and now all I can think is "maybe some other snotty kid closed my window with their mucus holes too." Great. I was afraid of the man and afraid of the potential of what was on the window. The plane landed and I got out of there as quick as I could.

BUT...the story does not end there.

I then needed to catch a plane from Atlanta to Richmond, VA. The flight was delayed about 30 minutes because our flight attendants were going to be arriving late from Savannah, GA then coming to our plane. Then some woman arrives, goes on the plane, we're all excited, then she comes off 30 minutes later and we are told we have to wait a bit longer. We're told we can't fly with this crew for some reason. I watched the flight attendant who walked off, saw where she went, and to "stretch my legs" walked near her after she had dialed someone on her phone. All I heard was "jerks" and "in trouble" and "can't fly." I'm not a very good detective. Anyways we got on the plane after at least 90 minutes of being told we were going to board in 15 minutes. I wasn't that mad. I saw no point in everybody being upset and stressed because it wasn't going to make the plane get off the ground, or magically conjure up a flight attendant. So I just relaxed, read my book, and chatted to this nice old lady next to me.

Once we got on the plane I just really really hoped I didn't sit next to the worst person again. Window seat again for me: score. 2 seats to my left: 1 goes to some older guy who is quiet and the 1 next to me goes to some kid who just finished basic training for the army. We didn't talk and I really needed that after a long day of people all around me being stressed for dumb things and making the stress levels of others rise.

Then the cougar pounced. This woman walked on and sat in the row behind me in the aisle seat. She sat next to 2 guys, 1 who was fresh out of army basic too. The entire flight was annoying thanks to her.
Let's quickly recount what she did:
She complained about everything...literally everything. Ranging from her bad back pain to the people on her last flight who told her to stop talking.
She talked loudly and literally talked the entire time.
She flirted with the 2 guys next to her...like the great old cougar she was.
She was surprised that the moon was "still a crescent moon" because it had been that yesterday. Really?! Really? NEWS FLASH: the moon doesn't just jump from phase to phase. It's a process, so it will be kind of crescent shaped for just under a week. Did you not go to 7th grade?
She talked about how much she loved shooting guns. She said this a lot. It was creepy.
She recounted much of her "army brat" past to relate to the army guy.
She claimed she was allowed to have alcohol 2 times a year thanks to her doctor, so she was going to have a glass of wine on the flight. Ok that story is totally absurd for 1,000 reasons so I'll just leave that one alone.
She said her IQ was average which was "about a 125/130 right?" Actually ma'am "average" is around 100, and you're a genius if it's above 130. I can tell you're not a genius. MENSA wouldn't let your alcoholic mess in there.
Then to top it all off my favorite moment of the entire plane ride:
"You know what name has become really common now? Tyler. I don't know if I could stand to hear the name 'Tyler' again."

I wanted to punch her in the spine. Fortunately the plane was landing. After it did, she whined about not being able to get off quickly because she had a bad back and had waited all day. Well I have bad shoulders and I waited just as long as you did, you slut. Boom. I just defeated your logic. Eventually she got by us, I grabbed my stuff, and the guy who had sat behind her loudly said, "If I was that boy I would've rather been at war than sitting next to that woman."

BURN!